


A smiling face and a blank one.

by Yui_Miyamoto



Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on LiveJournal, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-27
Updated: 2004-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29883810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yui_Miyamoto/pseuds/Yui_Miyamoto
Summary: Satsuki visits the “surface world” and is faced with the question of remaining there.
Relationships: Kigai Yuuto/Yatouji Satsuki





	A smiling face and a blank one.

**Disclaimer: X is by Clamp-sama.**  
  
The beauty of a rose is not because of the color, the smell, or its overall implications. It is because its petals fall to the ground, colors falling to the earth while trying so much to not fade away. Lives falling n a color spectrum.  
  
The sun, the sea, the flesh and blood of humans.  
  
But each life that dies always calls out “Save me”, no matter the circumstances or the volume of its voice.  
  
**A smiling face and a blank one.  
by miyamoto yui**  
  
“Good, Beast.”  
  
Her monotonous voice almost conveyed some emotion of soft affection towards the inanimate object that so resembled the reflection of her own face, cold and insensitive to the needs of beings made of flesh. She patted the surface of her computer while the hatch opened. She pushed it off and steam escaped, air suffocated in such an enclosed space.  
And somehow, she was relieved. Lifting herself off and tapping her feet on the ground, she made her way towards her room. She even had to look at her calendar to make sure what date it was so that she could at least dress properly for the occasion.  
  
Time seemed to pass ever so slowly whenever she was inside the heart of Beast. And yet, she felt she was always lifted away, not really caring about that whenever she left. The passage of time in the outside world appeared to be too fast at certain times. But in the end, it was all mundane anyway.  
There was nothing interesting in the world. It just turned around and the same things happened because the same mistakes were repeated. It was as if no one truly learned anything. Conflict happened in different types, amounts of emotion, and various situations. But at the heart of anything, there was a misinterpretation.  
  
One person thought of one thing while another thought about another.  
  
And who was at the heart of all this? Humans.  
Why did you have to understand humans? It was simply much easier to predict and analyze their thoughts and actions rather to comprehend the root of their reasoning.  
  
Human reasoning was boring with all its superficial rules. There were no more challenges that could push her towards her physical and mental limits. And so, she played with Beast most of the day, hoping for something new to interest her.  
She was bored. Truly, utterly bored.  
  
Of life? Not quite. There was some promise of amusement coming from being a Dragon of Earth. Of people? Yes. There were many types of people in the world, but they fell in specific categories. It was ironic that for every one who wanted to be an “individual”, they still seemed to be associated to a “group”.  
  
Life seemed to be quite a paradox in that sense. Always working towards that of which couldn’t be fully understood. There was much to decipher. And it was easier to do this through the series of 1s and 0s.  
  
Computers were straight with their answers. They knew, didn’t know, or at least could give a good, educated guess. People made things too difficult with their feelings, losing all semblance of logic once they were blinded with what they felt deep inside.  
Insufficiently, they tried to “express” themselves.  
  
The girl with the orange-tinted bangs passed by Kanoe’s bedroom and gave it a critical eye. She didn’t stop to regard it any farther than that, but that room seemed to do nothing but taunt her. What did Kanoe and Yuuto find solace while being with one another? While touching one another, didn’t you become dirty by the animalism that ran through all humans?  
Satsuki pushed the thought away.  
  
Becoming intimate with someone meant to spend so much time and effort. It meant to complicate your life with emotions and caressing touches. Bleh. She could live without such a thing.  
  
She came to the surface with her bike. Cautiously, she biked around just to taste the air that wasn’t so clean. “The surface” was slowly dying with humans unconsciously wanting its destruction. They were masochists that way, trying to make out how high they were when all they did was pump their own air about themselves. What was worse was that many people heeded to the call of such a useless trait.  
  
As she whizzed by a theatre, she stopped to smirk at the latest movies playing. The hit was a CG action flick about the destruction of the world. It was the usual “save the world” from the computers and artificial intelligence type of life.  
It made her want to laugh aloud at such a folly.  
“Computers were made by humans. They can’t blame themselves, so they have to put it on something that can’t really protest back.”  
  
Somewhere deep inside, though, she was inclined to rip the poster. She never felt that way before, a surge of rage within her. Maybe it was because the resemblance to her beloved Beast was getting to her.  
Before the dormant emotions began to bubble within her being, she got back on her bike and began to go around the city looking at the buildings and all the people going about their own business. How lucky that they didn’t know what was happening to their world. How carefree that they could still live to the fullest without having to deal with the burden of fighting for the fate of the Earth.  
  
In a way, she was jealous.  
  
“It’s all useless. This is becoming boring again,” she whispered to herself as life seemed to go away in streams at her sides. The colors becoming nothing but lines, as if she didn’t want to be caught by them.  
  
But it was good to be in the light sometimes and not a simulated virtual reality.  
  
She kind of missed being chased, but was thankful that she could stay here for a bit longer to contemplate why she didn’t like staying in this world and preferred the computer one that seemed so much more appealing than this one.  
  
Was it the prospect that no one had to die? Was it because you didn’t bleed when you were hurt? When had she become so cold to the world? When had the world lost its luster? When had she lost her curiosity towards it?  
  
It was a hazy memory, but she remembered when there were some kids making fun of her because she was the smartest and most athletic in the whole class.  
People’s envy of you could do wonders to their humanity and “good will” towards others. Will that paralleled the actions of nothing but “hate” and twisted fondness and friendliness.  
And how about her father? He was no better. She couldn’t believe in him if he was only too eager to sell her off “in the name of science”. Money and greed played tricks on you and you forgot what was truly important.  
  
If that was how the surface world was, then she didn’t want it. She didn’t have to live in a reality where she felt that she was above these mere contrivances.  
  
Feelings meant nothing. They either pushed you further or held you back.  
They were falsely used as a reason to justify the way people were, but she didn’t feel that way. If you only thought about other people, then you could have avoided all of this.  
  
She laughed inside as she passed by the multitudes of people shopping and smiling while crossing the street.  
  
People worked out of their own selfishness. To eat, to drink, to find shelter, to love, to hate, to work, to relax, to…  
  
She thought of pleasing the people around her only once, but that turned out to be very stupid. She didn’t care about what they thought. So, she would live within her own world. The world where things seemed to be fair and logical. There was no reason for her to stay here.  
  
No reason at all…  
  
“Satsuki-chan~!” someone called out to her and she immediately screeched to a stop to find Yuuto waving happily at her while jogging a bit to go next to her.  
“Yes?” She looked at him with the same fascination she once held as a child when she took electronic things apart and put them back together again.  
  
Was there really no reason at all to stay here…?  
  
“It’s nice to see you here.” He smiled at her, putting his arm over her shoulder as if not wanting to let go of such a wonderful opportunity.  
  
He didn’t want to let her go back. Not just yet.  
  
“Let’s go to a café and have some coffee before you go back.”  
“How did you know I was already going back?” She slightly gripped onto the handles of her bike while giving him a curious expression.  
  
Did he really pay attention to her? He was only doing this out of politeness, wasn’t he?  
How could he favor her in any way when she couldn’t even show him what she really thought about him?  
  
About how wonderful his smile was and that she felt troubled whenever she was with him. Her usual tranquility was disturbed because he kept on making her try to feel things she was used to ignoring and wanting to live without.  
  
Feelings complicated things.  
  
“You have a certain look when you’re confused, Satsuki-chan,” he bluntly told her while not looking down at her. He was absorbing the warmth she gave, even though she wasn’t aware about how gentle she truly was, despite the fact that she appeared so cold to the touch. “And then you look for Beast for an answer.”  
  
She didn’t flinch and nor did she look to the ground. Had she been this transparent?  
  
Then, she found herself walking before him, gently shaking off his arm. She turned her head towards him, looking at him with a sad glance that he’d only seen whenever she happened to see Kanoe and him together. She probably didn’t realize how easy it was for him to read her because they were the same.  
  
A smiling face and a blank one.  
They were the opposite in facial expressions, but their souls and hearts felt the same about the world.  
They were looking for meaning in this game they called “life”.  
  
_/Don’t make me hope, Yuuto-san./_  
  
“Why don’t you stay with me longer?” he asked her, not even coloring his serious expression or the honesty in his voice.  
  
**/I won’t be able to touch you again because you’re always thinking of other things. You never seem to think about me.**  
**And then, you will be cold again as the computer whose heart you provide./**  
  
On a busy street with people passing around them, they watched each other carefully.  
  
Finally, Satsuki opened her mouth to say with a laugh, “And where would you keep me, Yuuto-san?”  
  
He blinked at her and closed his mouth, unable to say anything. He couldn’t understand her, but he wanted to. He wanted to touch her and love her, but she didn’t want him to. She had made it obvious, or she was resisting with all that she could.  
  
When she was about to leave, he replied, “Wherever I am, Satsuki-chan.”  
  
**/Whatever you may think of me, I wanted to protect your vision of life because that is how you live and what you live for, Satsuki-chan.  
  
You may not believe me because of my smiling face, but I know you want to stay here too. I want to know why you gave up your emotions to live life all alone, just as I have./**  
  
She then left with Yuuto looking after her. She pedaled faster and faster, unable to contain herself. This was all too illogical. Too much to take at this very moment.  
  
_/Through all the static these years, once, only once, did I have a dream. And you were in it, Yuuto. I don’t remember the details, but all I could recall was the way you smiled at me and the way you called my name when we both died.  
  
But yes, those are just dreams. Things that people make up with their subconsciousness to comfort themselves and their deficiencies…  
  
I found myself almost running to Beast. As I was once again enveloped by his loving embrace, I hugged him while closing my eyes that stung from dry tears that wouldn’t come._  
  
_I didn’t want to cry._  
  
_I didn’t even know how to cry for a dream._  
  
_I didn’t know how to dream until I met you, Yuuto.  
  
That’s probably something I truly won’t ever understand about humankind. How can they believe in something when there is no foundation for it? But after meeting and talking to you, I began to understand. And I wanted to hold onto it like any selfish, disillusioned human.  
  
I felt like a door had opened for me to come back to the surface world…  
…and with your hand out to me, you were waiting for me all this time to welcome me back./_  
  
**Owari. / The End.**

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve noticed that all I’ve written about for X (for a long while) is focused on Sei and Su and maybe I’ve grown rusty with the other characters. So, I thought of doing Satsuki since she has always been one of my favorite female anime/manga characters of all time.  
> * sighs * My writer’s block is awful right now. (And I need anime to watch. ;_;) I hope I was able to  
> pour out and make it overflow despite the drought of ideas, but never of emotion…
> 
> Again, thank you Rei-chan for beta-ing. ^_^


End file.
